|
When I think about the young kids today, I think about a generation that really got the shaft when it comes to toys and cartoons. I was glad to see that they re-released a bunch of the original He-Man figures not too long ago and stayed true to their original format. He-Man was a great toyline and cartoon that everybody should have the chance to enjoy. There's also going to be a NEW set of He-Man figures to be released in the near future. Same characters, new designs. You can check out good ol' he-man.org for some of the specs on these new ones. I was skeptical of them at first, but some of them do actually look really nice... especially my favorite character, Trap-Jaw. So it's good to see that the kids today will at least get to have a TASTE of all the amazing cartoons and toys that I got to enjoy throughout the 80's. But what about a He-Man video game?
One fellow by the name of "Grimlick" (who has already hacked several other NES roms) apparently wanted to keep He-Man fresh in our minds until the new figures are released. He decided to create a hack of the classic game that we've all played a million times, Kung-Fu. But does a guy like He-Man really belong in the world of Martial Arts? Well, let's take a look at the game and see...
On the left we have "Kung-Fu Guy". On the right, is He-Man. Personally, I think the Kung-Fu guy is more ready to fight. I mean, he's wearing what looks like a comfortable outfit, while He-Man is almost butt naked. Plus, with tight shorts like those, they could ride up your crack anytime you try to kick an enemy. A distraction like that could be the difference between life and death. He-Man also doesn't look nearly as "buff" in this game as he did in the cartoon. If anything, the original Kung-Fu guy appears to be in better shape. "Who cares? He-Man has that big-assed sword you jackass!" Yeah, that's what I thought too, and boy was I wrong.
By the Power of Greyskull my ass. He doesn't even use the friggin' sword!!! He punches and kicks his enemies, just like the Kung-Fu Guy does. So why even bother carrying around the sword? Maybe he uses it to intimidate them, since his physique isn't quite what it used to be. Time to head on over to a GNC store and beef up a bit, He-Man! You're lookin' a little flabby there!
 
So what evils must He-Man go up against? Well, all of the original Kung-Fu enemies have been replaced with other Masters Of The Universe characters (from what I can tell). The one guy you'll be seeing more than anything is TWO-BAD. As you can see, he looks pretty much the same in the video game compared to the original figure. He's got two heads, but between the two of them, they don't have the intelligence to realize that "hugging" somebody isn't really going to do much damage. As a result of this "hug attack", poor Two-Bad gets his (or their?) ass kicked quite easily. I suppose that's why there's and endless supply of Two-Bads in this game, otherwise we'd only see him/them for a few seconds. I never knew there were that many Two-Bad clones either. And here I was thinking I was the grandmaster of 80s toy series knowledge. Plbth...
 
The next guy you'll be seeing a lot of is MOSQUITOR. Well, I *think* it's Mosquitor. The colors are off, but he's the only He-Man figure that looked like the guy in this game. Not that it really matters. Anyway, Mosquitor was an "Evil Energy-Draining Insectoid" from the Evil Horde. So, wouldn't it make sense to have HIM going up and hugging He-Man instead of Two-Bad? I mean, at least Mosquitor could stick his needle-nose into He-Man while he's hugging him. All Two-Bad could do was talk He-Man to death. Oh well, who am I kidding? This game obviously isn't about what's "logical" anyway. Mosquitor will just throw knives at you. So duck under them or jump over them and then kick his needle-nosed ass.
 
Now we've arrived at the Stage 1 boss, NINJOR! Out of all the Masters Of The Universe characters ever created, Ninjor is probably the ONLY one that is really appropriate for a game like Kung-Fu. I mean, he's a Ninja. He knows his Martial arts. He's got a sword, and unlike He-Man, he'll actually USE it. A few chops from this guy and it's curtains for He-Man. You know, I'm kind of disturbed by that screenshot I took. It kind of looks like Ninjor is giving He-Man a big yellow hard-on. And on that pleasant note, we will move onward to Stage 2.
For the first half of Stage 2 your main obstacles are little snake/lizard type creatures that fall from the ceiling and, once again, Mosquitor. The snake/lizard things are easy to avoid. Just jump over 'em. I don't know (or care) where these little creatures came from, because I don't even remember them in the He-Man series. That's probably a good thing though. Mosquitor also returns with a new wardrobe and he spits out fire from his needle-nose. Just stand away from it and he'll vanish. Wow. Tough. Again, I'm *assuming* it's Mosquitor and not just some random guy that the creator of this rom hack drew in.
Ok, here is the worst part of the game. Many of you might be wondering "What the hell is He-Man fighting now? Midgets and Jellybeans?" Well, he might as well be. When the Masters Of The Universe series started running dry of ideas, they started releasing some REALLY SHITTY figures. The worst of all of them in my opinion were the COMET WARRIORS. Tiny little creatures that could transform into, you guessed it, comets. When these came out, I knew that the MOTU series was finished. It just couldn't get any worse than this. That being said, I have no idea what possessed the creator of this rom hack to include the absolute WORST He-Man characters ever in the second half of Stage 2 and for the remainder of the game. Well, maybe because it's fun to kick them off the screen. I suppose that would make a little sense. Still, I'd prefer to not be reminded of how bad some MOTU figures got in the end.
Stage 2 ends with the Boomerang-Throwing Madman. Unfortunately, I don't recall a Boomerang-Throwing Madman in the Masters Of The Universe series. That's because there wasn't one. He kind of looks like Mosquitor though, again, in another wardrobe. Maybe he's just his evil Australian brother? Who knows. Who cares. Just dodge his stupid boomerangs, beat the living hell out of him, and move on to the next level. It's not brain surgery.
Before Stage 3 begins, we get a shocking message. EGAD! You mean this game actually has a PLOT!?!?! Well I'll be damned! It looks like Skeletor has captured Teela and has tied her to a chair. If we don't hurry, he might cut her ear off like they did in that movie Reservoir Dogs. Actually, that was kind of cool when they did that. So we should probably take our time with rescuing her.
Stage 3 really doesn't have anything special. No new regular enemies. They just mix them up a bit more. Lots of those damned Comet Warriors are on this level and they try to jump on your head. Ooooo! Stupid Comet Warriors...
 
Another mistake. The boss for Stage 3 is either MODULOK or some multi-limbed robotic freak. You might remember him as a shitty figure from the Evil Horde. He was buddies with Mosquitor too. But man, this is the worst looking boss in the game. I mean, just LOOK at those graphics. If only Nintendo had seen this back in the day, they would've hired this guy on the spot as their lead game designer! Pfft, it hardly looks anything like Modulok. Maybe it isn't even Modulok. But that's besides the point. The point is, this character is no work of art. Just use your low-kick/trip move on him and he'll die easily. Man, he should have just left the big fat guy from Kung-Fu in here for the Stage 3 boss.
 
Stage 4 has a little something different at the beginning. A bunch of birds come flying at you out from their various perches. Skeletor's bird was known as SCREECH, and although I don't think it could really hurt He-Man that much in the cartoon, Screech will take off a good chunk of energy in the game. And since you're not armed with a flyswatter, do what you can do avoid these evil winged bastards.
 
The boss for Stage 4 has me stumped. I have no idea what He-Man character this is supposed to be. So, for the sake of this article, let's just say he's Gargamel. Gargamel likes to show off his cheap magic tricks by throwing fireballs at He-Man. If you punch him in the head, his head falls off and seconds later he reappears with the head intact. The way to beat Gargamel is to punch him in the stomach repeatedly. Punching Gargamel in the stomach... now that's some Smurfarific fun! Onto stage 5...
Once again, before entering the final stage, we are reminded that Skeletor still has Teela. I don't really care about saving her, I just want to see Skeletor. I mean, he was He-Man's #1 arch nemesis. He is pure living evil! He's probably going to look awesome! Maybe we'll even have to fight him inside Snake Mountain! Maybe he can answer some questions about why he always had the the most brain-dead thugs working for him. Brace yourselves people... it's time for us to fight the almighty SKELETOR!
 
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? What is this piece of shit supposed to be!? This looks NOTHING like the almighty badass, Skeletor! We have been seriously screwed here folks. I want a refund. I know, it's a rom hack and I didn't buy it, but damnit, I should STILL get paid for playing this damned game. He doesn't have blue skin, he doesn't have that infamous magical staff, his face isn't an evil yellow, his armor isn't purple... he looks NOTHING like the real Skeletor! And what's worse, he has a white shadow beneath him (maybe it's a puddle of piss?) wherever he goes. Nice pixel editing there pal... real friggin' nice. You'd think he would have spent more time making the BOSS OF THE GAME look a little bit better. You know what? Screw this game, I'm gonna kill him and get it over with once and for all.
DIE PSEUDO-SKELETOR DIE!
So we killed the hideous Skeletor recreation and now we find that stupid girl, Teela, tied up in a chair. Now if it was me, I would beat the hell out of her for getting captured in the first place. But no, He-Man wants to "get his mack on" with Teela. And the bimbo gladly obliges He-Man, the himbo...
 
Screw He-Man and Teela! How about congratulating me for making it through this horrible game!
So Teela somehow gets caught and you have to save her again? KISS MY ASS TEELA!
And as for how "their happiness does not continue long"... GOOD!
My happiness in this pathetic game never started.
-RoG-
You too can play He-Man!
|
